I'm Scared
by Sighh Lence
Summary: The Inquisitor is at odds over what to do about Commander Cullen. In the past she sensed the Commander becoming attached to her and in response distanced herself from him. Now learning about Cullen's lyrium struggles something has changed. Unsure what she is doing she seeks someone out for advice.


The night was restless again, thoughts seesawed around her mind. Finally, at 3am the Inquisitor sat up and blindly threw a pillow into the darkness. She screamed into a second pillow that she mashed against her face. This was ridiculous! She just wanted some sleep. Any sleep! Frustration whelmed up and tears began, the screaming pillow became a crying pillow. Why was she even crying? She didn't know. She just wanted sleep. She just couldn't stop thinking.

After calming down the inquisitor sat numbly staring into the dark. Maybe she should talk to someone. The thinking could stop if she figured it out and doing it alone had resulted in 'this' pathetic situation. Who could she talk to? She thought about everyone she had met in the Inquisition. No, none of them would do. She tossed herself back down onto the bed, frustrated. She sat back up with a thought; her brother. She could talk to him. He was here…in the dungeon. She'd go now.

* * *

If the Inquisitor had stopped to think she would have been nervous however she was too excited to talk to someone. Now the door to the dungeon budged open and she saw her brother for the first time in…she didn't know off the top of her head. Would she be talking to what might as well be an inanimate object? Why should he care what was happening to her?

He wasn't asleep. "All this time? And my sister comes to visit me now," Aidren smirked and came to the bars of his cell. The light the Inquistor brought illuminated the tall, dark-haired, and 'scary' man. He became sombre. "Something must be wrong."

Her doubt disappeared. "You look pathetic in there."

"It's necessary."

The two looked at one another.

"Well?" He asked, "What is it?"

How could she start? Her mind drew blank.

Aidren leaned against the bars letting his arms dangle on the rungs. "…take as long as you need…not like I can go anywhere."

The Inquisitor felt prompted to get comfortable herself. A barrel sat on this side of his cell, it must have been to sit on if someone visited him. She pulled it over. She was still blank after seating herself so she gathered thoughts. He waited.

Finally she said, "I think Mother…she was right."

Aidren burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, I must of heard that wrong or you're a demon wearing my sister's face."

"Shut up."

Aidren finished laughing and became serious again. "What was she right about?"

"I always thought…I'd just be able to be with someone once I met the right person. That I just hadn't met them yet."

"Oh? So you met someone? And that's not how it went."

Had she ever talked to him about this sort of thing? She was a grown and independent woman. This felt like being a teenager, talking about 'boys' in secret. It was ridiculous.

"I…I…No." She said.

"Stop being embarrassed. It's normal, this stuff. And it's me."

She flushed, "It's not normal for me." She looked away from her brother. "Maybe I wouldn't have even considered this…if it wasn't like this."

"What do you mean?"

"He's struggling. I didn't realize how much till now he hides it well. It struck me if he had someone his life would be so much easier. And it could be me."

"You seem to care about him."

She felt confident to look back at him. "Yes. We've been close. When I began to sense him growing more attached to me I distanced myself from him though."

"Why?"

"I keep asking myself that now. I didn't think about it, I just did it. Like I always do. Apparently I never let anyone get attached to me."

"You have friends, many of them, some have been very close to you. And what about me?" he asked.

"That's not what I mean. I think…I'm afraid to need anyone but myself."

Adrian winced, "Is that what happened with us?"

"And what about you?! What is a sister supposed to do when their brother wants to die?"

The two were silent for a while.

Aidren broke the silence. "You've always struggled to be an independent woman. Is that why you thought of mother? Always nagging you to be a proper lady."

"Maybe. I keep thinking about her yelling at me 'I'll never marry because all I need is myself'."

"So is it true?"

"I don't know! I think WELL he needs someone and it's me. But then I think if I do he'll become so dependent on me it will destroy him if it doesn't work, he would be better off if I leave him alone if I don't think I can fully commit. So then I think I can't do that, it's ridiculous I can't just be willing to commit my life to him. And then I think why not? What's wrong with him? Nothing is the answer. He's what I would of thought was the right person. Then why can't I do it? And why didn't I realize this about him before? I just didn't even consider it, like a beggar on the road. How many times have I refused to acknowledge this with people before?"

"Hey. Hey. Calm down. It's okay to not know yourself no one's got it completely figured out. It's also fucking scary figuring out love, everyone shits themselves going through it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was so scared I think I almost passed out before courting Leor that first time."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Cause the idea of her being asked by someone else and the thought I'd have to live my life never knowing, if I didn't ask, scared me more. And it doesn't end there. You'll be scared every step of the way. You won't stop being scared till probably a few years of marriage. But everyone does it anyways because doing nothing eventually becomes more scary then doing something. Well and it gets less scary once you know what its about, but the first ones? They are crazy. Then you reach my point and all those things I obsessed over seem ridiculous."

"I don't remember ever thinking you were scared," the Inquisitor tilted her head with thought. "…I guess he is too.."

"Yeah. If you told him you're afraid though he'd probably be much less so knowing you both are."

"I don't think I could tell him that."

Aidren contemplated. "Why now? It's bothered you enough to come talk to me. You needed someone to talk to, or maybe you want me to tell you what to do. You say you've never had this before. So why now? Something made you consider it."

"He is struggling. He does so much work, amazing amounts and without complaint. I thought it was just because he was just so dedicated. After realizing how much he was struggling it seemed so clear that he does all this work to keep his mind off it. Work? Is that all he has?...I can see so clearly how I could give him more than just work…and I can see so clearly how he'd treat me for doing it."

"Look how sad you are thinking about it not happening that way."

"Yeah…but I still can't…" the Inquisitor's face flushed with anger. "Why should it be up to me to fix it?"

"Up to you? That's strange to say. It isn't. It obviously isn't. But I think you want to. It's normal to want to help the people we care about."

"I care about him like that? When did I start caring about him?"

"Tell me. If you only want his pain to stop, would you be happy if another woman did for him what you are saying?"

Another woman? She tried to picture it.

"Well your face says no." Aidren chuckled.

"I'd…be jealous of her…knowing exactly how he would treat her, what she'd mean to him. I'd want it to be me."

"Do you think maybe after realizing what that sort of person would be to him it made you want to be that person for him?"

"So I want what he has to offer. Not just to help him."

Aidren watched his sister think this through.

"I still don't think I can tell him any of this." The Inquisitor finally said.

He laughed. "You don't have too. You said you distanced yourself from him? Stop. He'll say it for you when it reaches the point where he is more scared to do nothing."

* * *

 _I wrote this while trying out a new writing style, which was purely a dialogue exchange between the two, and adding the rest after. Not sure if it works or not but I think I'm happy with the result. I think I'm just doing short stories here and there to figure things out, why I'm marking it as complete. I may do another part in the future of her and Cullen in the future._


End file.
